Power Plays and Missed Safe Words: How 'Babygirl' Flirts with BDSM but Misses the True Essence of Dominance and Submission

Welcome to the blog edition of my recent "Reel Love with Dr. Cayte" episode where we explored A24's provocative drama "Babygirl." As always, I aim to examine the intersection of pop culture and sex therapy in an accessible way. Let's dive in!

The Film's Premise and Female Perspective

"Babygirl," directed by Halina Reijn and starring Nicole Kidman and Harris Dickinson, follows Romy Mathis (Kidman), a high-powered CEO who begins an affair with her much younger intern Samuel (Dickinson). What makes this film particularly noteworthy is its portrayal of female sexuality through a distinctly female lens.

Reijn has described wanting to create an "X-ray of kink" that shows the reality of sex from a woman's perspective rather than the glossy fantasy we often see in cinema. This intention is evident throughout the film, as it consistently prioritizes Romy's emotional experience over objectifying her body – a significant departure from how similar stories have traditionally been filmed.

The Messy Reality of Sexual Self-Discovery

One of the film's greatest strengths is its unflinching portrayal of the messiness that comes with discovering one's deeper desires. In the first five minutes, we see Romy juggling multiple roles: sexy wife, apron-adorned mother, and powerhouse CEO at a robotics company.

This creates an obvious but effective metaphor. Kidman's character has become somewhat robotic in her sexuality – intensely faking orgasms with her husband Jacob (Antonio Banderas), then secretly watching porn alone to actually satisfy herself. Her relationship with Jacob, while sweet, feels transactional and automatic (continuing the robotics metaphor), which leaves room for disruption.

When Romy encounters the assertive intern Samuel, she's captivated by his cocky charm, leading to an affair that forces her to confront desires she's long repressed. The initial portrayal of this journey feels authentic precisely because it's uncomfortable and complicated. The film uses smash cuts to jump between scenes, mirroring how sexual awakening can feel like chaos, especially when it involves kink exploration with all its fears and excitement.

Where the Film Falls Short

Unfortunately, "Babygirl" eventually falls victim to Hollywood's need for neatness. After beginning with a messy, realistic portrayal of sexual discovery, the film becomes increasingly conventional, making Romy's process feel simplistic and tidy.

The final thirty minutes deliver a formulaic arc: conflict (Jacob discovers the affair), flimsy reconciliation, and a miraculous understanding of how to use kink to revive their stale sex life. The film is bookended by two of Romy's orgasms with Jacob – one faked at the beginning and one real at the end – packaging sexual development in a neat little bow that undermines the complexity established earlier.

Trauma and Desire: A Complicated Relationship

"Babygirl" hints at trauma in Romy's past, specifically her experience in a cult (with a thoughtful nod to EMDR therapy that Romy undergoes). This raises important questions about the relationship between trauma and sexual desires – but also potentially reinforces misconceptions.

As a sex therapist, I want to emphasize that while some people might process trauma through BDSM dynamics (which can be powerful when handled respectfully), many engage in these activities simply because they enjoy them, not because of past trauma.

In Romy's case, she seems genuinely disturbed by her interest in submission, making references to wanting to be "normal" – likely connected to how her cult upbringing created the belief that deviating from the norm is unacceptable. The film effectively illustrates how childhood conditioning influences sexuality, but it risks suggesting that BDSM desires must stem from trauma.

It's worth noting that submissive desires could just as easily represent a counterpoint to decision fatigue for a high-powered executive and busy mother. This highlights something I often discuss with clients: our desires don't form in a vacuum – they're shaped by countless experiences and cultural messages, as is our judgment about sexuality.

Problematic Portrayal of Dom/Sub Dynamics

"Babygirl" falls particularly short in its portrayal of dom/sub dynamics. Samuel's character as a dom feels more like a frat boy play-acting dominance than someone who understands the responsibility and care required in an authentic BDSM relationship. There's virtually no evidence of negotiation, consent discussions, or aftercare – fundamental elements of ethical BDSM practice – until they're deep into the relationship.

This portrayal could be read as a subtle commentary on young men's sexual development in today's society. Samuel seems to be trying on traditional masculinity under the guise of being a sexual dominant without fully understanding what that entails. With our current discourse around toxic masculinity, his character illustrates someone navigating confusing messages about manhood and sexuality, adopting dominance without the emotional maturity to hold that role responsibly.

At times, he comes across as a cocky, insecure young man hiding behind a superficial understanding of BDSM rather than a responsible dominant partner. This depiction may be intentional commentary, but without clearer framing, it risks normalizing problematic behavior in dom/sub relationships.

The Value Despite Imperfections

Despite its shortcomings, "Babygirl" contributes meaningfully to conversations about sexuality. By centering a middle-aged woman exploring her desires rather than a twenty-something, the film challenges ageist assumptions about female sexuality. By focusing on a woman's subjective experience rather than objectifying her body, it offers a template for how stories about sexuality can be told differently.

I wouldn't recommend this movie as a manual for dom/sub relationships any more than I would recommend "50 Shades of Grey." However, the film effectively communicates the importance of releasing shame around desires, as Romy eventually does. It reminds us that exploring authentic desires takes courage – and also requires communication, consent, and care.

Looking Forward: "Dying for Sex"

This journey from shame to self-acceptance connects beautifully to our next topic – the series "Dying for Sex." Both stories explore women at turning points who make bold choices about their sexuality, but through completely different circumstances.

While Romy's sexual awakening is sparked by an unexpected attraction, "Dying for Sex" follows the true story of a woman who, after receiving a Stage IV cancer diagnosis, leaves her husband to embark on sexual adventures with her best friend supporting her.

What fascinates me is how these stories approach similar themes from opposite directions. "Babygirl" explores sexuality through repression and power dynamics, while "Dying for Sex" examines it through freedom and mortality. Both remind us that sexuality isn't separate from who we are – it's intertwined with our identity, relationships, and understanding of what makes life meaningful.

Final Thoughts

"Babygirl" offers a complex, if imperfect, portrayal of female sexual desire and the often messy process of self-discovery. While it doesn't always get the details right, particularly in its portrayal of BDSM dynamics, it opens important conversations about how we understand and express our sexuality.

As with any representation of sexuality in media, it's valuable to approach it critically – appreciating what it contributes while recognizing its limitations. The more we can have honest, nuanced conversations about desire, power, and pleasure, the more we create space for authentic sexual expression in all its complexity.

What did you think of "Babygirl"? Did its portrayal of sexual discovery and dom/sub dynamics ring true to you? Share your thoughts in the comments below, and join me next week as we explore "Dying for Sex" and its unique approach to female sexual exploration.

Dr. Cayte is a licensed sex therapist specializing in the intersection of pop culture and sexual health. Her "Reel Love" series examines how media portrayals of sexuality shape our understanding of desire, relationships, and identity.